what am i supposed to feel? is this the feeling of guilt. the feeling of lonliness. or the feeling of uselessness. im sitting here on pandora listening to meaningful music. thats probably the worst thing i could do right now… but its all i can do. its the closest thing i have to remind me of the good times… when i hear the lyrics i feel like im there. i feel like im feeling their pain. its good to know im not feeling this pain alone. its hard to see that you have moved on. you were my best friend. my only friend. when my family made me feel unloved i turned to you. you were my family.. now i dont have either. its like somebody is controlling me and i cant stop them.. i cant stop life from happening. i cant change its course. its like a tornado just going right through me… and im so small compared to it.. theres not much i can do… but stand there and watch the damage get worse and worse.

i hate feeling like this. i watched the fountain today. probably the worst movie to watch. ever.
is it really that possible for someone to love someone like that. because i dont think its possible. there might be a 5:10000000000000000 ratio of relationships like that. so i doubt i will ever find that one… all i know is im tired of coming back to this spot. im tired of coming back to tumblr and writing the same things and feeling this shitty again and again. but everytime i come back i feel something different. like now i feel lucky to have atleast felt that loved for a year. im grateful for being able to experience that true love and learning from the mistakes..

and “shes everything” by brad paisley comes on. how wonderful. perfect timing pandora!

i wish i could get a map of my life. i wish i could know how long this pain will last and how long until things will be worry free and back to good. am i doing something wrong? am i missing something!? WHAT DO I NEED TO DO! why cant i figure it out. why is everything falling apart.

i thought my choice was the right one. but was it the wrong one. was i really the one getting the test the whole time!? and i failed miserably? and now its too late.. now im doomed to miserableness forever? the past is haunting me. and it wont stop.

when i was a little girl i always thought of my future. i told myself i would fall in love, get married around twenty three, and have a family. have a big beautiful wedding and be the happiest girl alive. now all i see is dead trees, emptiness, and a girl standing there.. walking towards nothing..looking towards nothing… finding nothing… going through her whole life searching for something she would never find..

back to what brought me to this pain… how did you do it. how are you that happy. how does nothing bother you. how could it be that easy. was i that easy to forget. do you even feel anything while im crying in another town. do you even feel my eyes looking at the same moon your looking at. do you ever see me when im looking at you in my dream. do you not feel the pain im feeling. its like your just watching me die and your not doing anything to stop it. i lost everything when i left.. and now that i realize your gone… nothing matters to me anymore..

but now that i got that out of my system… im saying goodbye. i cant be this pathetic anymore. i cant feel like this anymore. i dont think i will make it another night. reading online how happy you are and how you cant wait to kiss and cuddle and do more… makes me feel like i was just a chapter in a book of your life and you just ripped it out. you just pressed the delete button… i may have played it off well… and seemed like i was doing okay and moved on… but the fact is i still care and you really moved on…

yes its my fault okay! Im the one that caused it. im the one that broke it off. im the one that turned down all the chances… but i still didnt move on like you! you broke my heart.. and you said you wouldnt ever forget me and you would always be there for when i was ready… but you lied.. and hurt me even more..

i feel like im just ranting now. its not going to change anything. i mean whats done is done i guess.. just got to face it. and i guess its getting better. just seeing that profile broke my heart for a bit.

BUT on a good note.. i do have someone. i dont think he cares as much as he says… but i think we could learn and our relationship will grow. it will be tough knowing i had the perfect relationship and ruined it… but hopefully i can start a new one and make things even better.

im going to try and start writing a lot more. i need a hobby. and i love doing this. it makes me feel better. see now i can get a good nights sleep. crying is over with and i feel positive now.

goodnight world.